What You Should Know Before You Ask Me to Officiate at Your
Wedding
Fr. Dennis Tamburello, O.F.M.
Some of the most joyful moments of my life as a priest have been spent at weddings. I have been privileged to officiate or co-officiate at well over two hundred of them since my ordination. This would be a low number compared to most parish priests, who probably officiate at more weddings in one year than I do in five or six.
Recently, I have found that I must restrict the number of weddings that I take in any given year. Most people seem to want to get married in the fall, especially in September and October. Unfortunately, these are two of the months that I am most likely to have scheduling conflicts with academic and other events.
When I officiate at a wedding, I want to go the whole distance with the couple: to meet with them for the marriage preparation sessions and the planning of the liturgy, not just to breeze in at the rehearsal and preside at the wedding liturgy. That means I need to set aside sufficient time for these sessions. Officiating at one wedding means setting aside the equivalent of a week's (5 days') worth of evenings (at least the way I do it!) -- so seven weddings in a year would mean seven weeks' worth of evening appointments. That becomes difficult since a lot of my academic and other responsibilities are already scheduled in the evenings.
So, sometimes when people call me and ask me to officiate at their wedding, I have to force myself to say "no" even if I will be free on the wedding date. This is the only way of making sure that I give the proper attention and care to the weddings I do take on. At this point, I am usually "maxing out" at about six to eight weddings a year. So, the best thing to do is to contact me well in advance.
There are some other things you should know before you "propose" that I officiate at your wedding. Much as I like to be easygoing when it comes to weddings, there are certain guidelines that I must ask couples to accept. Some of these have been established by the church (either the "universal" church or the local chapel or parish). Some of them are things that I have come to insist upon for the sake of respecting the integrity of the liturgy. Remember that although it is "your" wedding, the liturgy (ritual) belongs to the whole church, and it is not possible to be flexible about everything.
A few of these guidelines are:
In order for me to officiate at a wedding, at least one of the parties must be Catholic. If a wedding is going to take place in a church of another denomination (Lutheran, Methodist, etc.) I may "co-officiate," but not be the main officiator, even if one of the parties is Catholic. There are rare exceptions to this latter rule, but generally I am bound by it.
Both parties must be "free to marry" before any definite plans can be made for a Catholic wedding. If one of the parties has been married before, certain procedures must take place before I can be authorized to proceed with a wedding. This is true even if the one who was married before is not Catholic. Whether a full annulment or a shorter procedure needs to take place depends on the circumstances of the first marriage. I would be happy to answer any questions you have about this, or refer you to someone who can.
I cannot do a wedding outdoors or in a reception hall chapel. Catholic weddings (the only kind I am authorized to officiate) must take place in a church. There are some rare exceptions, usually involving a wedding where one of the parties is not baptized. Some dioceses will not allow an outdoor wedding even under these conditions. If you want to get married in a garden or at the reception hall, you must seek another officiator. Frankly, I agree with the rule that Catholic weddings should be in a church. I'd be happy to explain why (but not here).
When two Catholics are getting married, I strongly encourage them to plan a nuptial Mass. A ceremony without Mass should be a rare exception in this case. Sometimes, for various reasons, couples who are planning a wedding with me are not regular churchgoers. You should know in advance that this is an issue I will want to discuss. Not that I will refuse to do your wedding on this basis, but I really think it is important that couples who are marrying in the church have a real relationship with the Christian community. (Let me also add, for those who may have "problems with the church," that you will be talking with someone who has some problems with the church himself, so this conversation will not take the form of a lecture or reprimand!)
The music that is used in the liturgy should be "sacred" or "liturgical" music. Popular songs should not be included in the liturgy, though one or two might be appropriate as preludes. As a general rule, any song that could be played at your reception should probably NOT be played in church. I know there are a lot of nice songs with beautiful lyrics -- I am a musician myself and play in a band that covers many popular tunes -- but I really think that out of respect for the dignity and solemnity of the liturgy, pop songs don't belong in church. If you have any questions about whether a tune is appropriate, please ask. Just be prepared for what will sometimes be a "no."
Finally, I must be fully "in charge" at the rehearsal. I've learned from experience that it has to be this way. I take a lot of time beforehand with each couple to go over their desires and preferences. Once we get to the night of the rehearsal, there can be very little discussion about options. Otherwise we'll be there the whole night. In this connection, I ask that couples and their guests respect my judgment about the best way to arrange seating, orchestrate the processions, etc. I need to arrange things in a way that I know will help the liturgy to flow smoothly. It is to your advantage that I be comfortable with the logistics of the ceremony; when I am, I can celebrate the liturgy in the proper frame of mind, and not add any unnecessary tension to your wedding day!
Thanks for taking the time to read these reflections. If you are planning a wedding, congratulations! and if you are thinking of asking me to officiate, know that I am honored to be considered. And I hope I can say "yes."